Dino Laurenzi is my guy. I’ve got his back. See today’s New York Times article, “Drug Test Collector in Braun Case Says He Followed Protocol.” Laurenzi’s just telling it straight. He handled this Braun specimen just the way he handled every one since 2005.
Braun is a coward, and a liar. And will stoop so low that he will attack the lowly “functionary” here, the courier. On a sandlot playground, Braun would get hooted off. A cheat, a liar. And it’s all scripted by Braun’s lawyers. Braun, I will say here, has become Most Un-valuable Player. No kid should ever emulate this small-minded slanderer.
Here’s Braun’s imaginary conversation with a teammate when he first came up to the Bigs:
Braun: All those guys I played with, or followed, on the Huntsville Stars, down in the minors — they all juiced, and they became MVPs in the majors. And they’ve admitted it. Canseco, Tejada, Giambi — all of ’em. Everybody in Huntsville knows what’s what. I’ll bet I know more about juice than you do. And my buddy from UMiami, Kastin, he played for the Stars too, and got a 50-day suspension — but he got that reversed. Good lawyers.
Teammate: Well, when I came up, I got the inside word. Drug-Testing? New era, since McGuire? Not, dude. HUGE holes.
Braun: you’re kiddin’ me, right?
Teammate: No, no, REALLY. Don worry, dude. Just take it to arbitration. Us players, we ALWAYS win at arbitration. That third arbitrator, he’s got round heels. He’ll roll for anybody.
Braun: But, wait a minute, doesn’t that mean that the press still hangs you high for your positive drug test, and you can never ever live that down?
Teammate: No, dude, NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT. If the Arbitrator says that your test was no good, because some courier drove the wrong kind of car to the FedEx office, then the Collective Bargaining Agreement requires that your positive drug test never sees the light of day!
Braun: Are f—-n shittin’ me? No-body knows?
Teammate: No, dude, it’s all behind the curtain. And that Arbitrator, he’s the third “tie-breaker” — so both sides have to agree to who he is when they pick. This Arbitrator-guy Das, he’s a softie, he’ll roll over for ANYBODY. But remember, NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW!
Braun: Well, I don’t get it — why do the owners agree to selecting Das as the third Arbitrator?
Teammate: You are a moron, aren’t you? You were a kid in the 90’s I guess. You actually think the owners don’t like juicing, don’t you? Damn! Get ahold youself, dude! The owners — what they don’t like is the public bitching about juicing. But they know juicers put up big numbers, and that big numbers sell tickets. This whole system now, it works great for both the players AND the owners. The public THINKS it’s a good drug-testing system, but it’s just for show.
Braun: Well I’ll be damned.
Teammate: Look, dude, for all I know, BOTH the players and the owners give that contract to that courier outfit and they TELL ’em to take those samples home and mix ’em up with the Mountain Dew — it gives that Arbitrator Das something to throw out!
Braun: Whoa, I never thought of that……
Standard Operating Procedure. Big League Baseball. Play the fans for fools…….