Gee and Smith also consider establishing a whole new category: the “Student-Athlete-Investigator.”
Newsflash: Pee Wee Gee and Gene Smith announced today what President Gee called a “major step forward in keeping these Student-Athletes in line, to make sure they get no money whatsoever while they are undergraduates.”
“Gene and I are going to personally interview our top OSU Criminal Justice majors – who will, we are pleased to announce today, being doing all of our Private Investigative work. Many of these students are the best in their area of study – not just in Ohio, but across the nation. And we intend to make this a top-quality organization. So they will be hired, and paid a “living wage”, and their contract-of-hire will give them all of the basic protections which are given – to every person in the US who performs work-for-hire, by Federal and State Wage and Hour Laws, Unemployment Compensation Laws, IRS and State Tax laws and regulations, and Social Security and FICA. If these students — who are the best of the best” in their Criminal Justice field — have any injuries in the field, out there crawling about under the roses, doing the sometimes dangerous work we anticipate that this assignment might require, then those injuries will all be covered by our state’s workers’ compensation guarantees. This is work critical to the long-term viability of THE Ohio State University.
AD Smith interrupted Pee Wee Gee at this point. “Let me make it perfectly clear: We looked at all options to solve this problem about all those “Third Parties,” and Student-Athletes receiving any kind of income. And I mean all options. And we made our decision based not only on what we expect will be most effective solution, but also — because we are mindful of our duty to contain costs — the most cost-effective solution.” Smith continued, “While we have the utmost confidence in the ability of these OSU Criminal Justice majors to surreptitiously follow, photograph, video, and online-track the OSU Football Student-Athletes, without detection, and to deliver to Pee Wee and I the best possible ‘sub rosa” product, I can tell you that we are still working on other options.”
“In fact,” Smith continued, “we are so committed to running a quality, NCAA-ByLaw-compliant operation that we have consulted Pinkerton’s. As you might remember, Pinkerton’s established the gold standard for … uh…. investigatory work, since they helped break that Pullman strike back in 1894. We also looked at, in fact, the great work that Harry Bennett did for Henry Ford at River Rouge in ’37. And every expert source we consulted kept coming back to us with the same message: the further underground you can go with your private investigatory work, the better — and more cost-effective — your results.” “Frankly”, Smith said, “the words that kept coming back to us were ‘Use Plants.'”
“So,” Smith continued, “we’ve done some very effective Sunday afternoon brainstorming at Pee Wee’s mansion — just like we used to do, when JT was around on Sundays, when JT would lead us in prayer — and are waiting to hear back from our lawyers and NCAA President Mark Emmert about what Pee Wee and I now, I can confidently tell you, have concluded is our “highest and best” Private Investigatory option: we want, if possible and completely cleared by the NCAA, to announce shortly that we will be hiring eight Student-Athletes who are members of the OSU football team, to do undercover private investigatory work on these payment-on-the-side, Third-Party issues — as “Plants.” Obviously, these “Student-Athlete-Investigators” would work for, and report directly to, Pee Wee and I. In fact, we anticipate that they would be able to join us for those elegant brunches that Mr. and Mrs. Pee Wee put on on Sunday mornings at their mansion. And their mission — to be undertaken undercover — for, in order for it to succeed, no other members of the OSU football team can know the identity of these eight public servants — is of the highest priority.
“The only hitch”, Gee looked down at his notes, “is Chairman Emmert says he has to clear it with his lawyers. His concern — which I must say doesn’t bother me at all, in light of the magnitude of this pressing Third Party problem — is whether we can, in fact, pay an hourly wage to these “Student-Athlete-Investigators” for the fundamental and important work that they will be doing to further the interests of The Ohio State University. ….. And, frankly, we are looking at introducing legislation at the next NCAA convention, to get the entire NCAA to recognize a new category of student: the “Student-Athlete-Investigator.“